Thanksgiving has come and gone, which means the nation-wide rush to collect maximum savings from those shameless Black Friday offers is now officially in full swing. There are few things the U.S. loves more than a good deal, and those seeking to (sometimes literally) beat the crowds on this sales crusade should expect anything and everything, from mildly annoyed grandmas, to highly trained, militant retail extremists sporting linoleum-colored camouflage and laser-guided credit cards. This is the big time, a world-renowned annual orgy of consumption that makes the Battle of Helm’s Deep look like a cheese and cracker after party. People will literally go crazy over a flat-screen HD television available for $328, or a 10-speed electric food mixer for $199. Forget the hospital bills, you’d be crazy not to go shopping today!

It’s tough out there, and to survive, you’ll need a vehicle capable of weathering the discount hurricane. The masses will almost certainly devolve to the point of barbarism, so before stepping into the fray, consider our list of ideal Black Friday Deal Haulers. Then clip those coupons, load up the chariot, pack a snack next to the pepper spray, and charge!

Click past the jump to see our list of optimal Black Friday Deal Haulers.

Chevrolet ZR2 Colorado Concept

This is one beefy truck. All the right elements are present and correct: a high-profile stance to offset the weight of your purchases, chunky tires that are perfect for crashing through any parking lot dividers that happen to be standing between you and the front entrance, a winch in case you find yourself wedged between two lesser vehicles, a bed big enough for a million shopping bags, and the necessary pull of 369 pound-feet of torque from a 2.8-liter Duramax turbodiesel four-banger. Just take the most direct route possible: even if Wal-Mart is on the other side of a mountain, you’ll get there.

MINI Countryman ALL4 Camp

As the famous adage goes, the early bird gets the cheap X-Box, or something like that. We’ve seen the strategy countless times before: folks setting up tents on the sidewalk in anticipation of the big day, shivering on the cold cement, huddled around cheap gas station coffee. But in the MINI Countryman ALL4 Camp, you’ll be living in the comparative lap of luxury. Just park it, pop up the roof-mounted living space, and be the first to take a crack at all those smart buys. You’ll save a ton of money, and that’s a good thing, especially if you skipped out on work to live next to a store for two weeks.

The Hoonicorn

Intimidation is important on Black Friday, and few things are more frightening than Ken Block’s 845-horsepower Gymkhana Seven tire shredder. The fiery, side-mounted exhaust will blast your rivals to next Christmas, and with insane V-8 thrust pushing through a Sadev sequential all-wheel-drive system, you’ll literally run rings around all those belligerent soccer moms. Space inside the caged-out race car is less than ideal, but with 10.5-inch Pirelli Trofeo tires, extensive aero, and oodles of carbon fiber, the Hoonicorn should be more than quick enough for multiple store runs.

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Peugeot 2008 DKR

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This is the ultimate. The 2008 DKR is enormous, aggressive, and unbelievably fast over any terrain you can throw at it, including the shopping carts and mangled bodies of your defeated foes. Designed for Carlos Sainz to drive in the epic Dakar Rally->ke2159, this super-powered crossover should be ready to handle America’s favorite shopping day. Ditch the tools, and there’s enough space in back to store all your goods. It doesn’t matter when you arrive; just park it on the curb and saunter on in. People will make way. We suggest black leather jumpsuits to match the paint job, which should announce to all lesser-prepared rivals just how much you mean business.