The BMW 8 Series is making a comeback after two decades. Yey! No, stop right there. No need to yay. The new 8 Series won’t be of the yay variety. It will be just another expensive, heavy, nanny-packed Bimmer made for those rich enough to throw at least $100,000 at the Mercedes-Benz S-Class Coupe. And, for those BMW fans waiting for the 8 Series to return, of course, but the rich enough statement applies here as well. Bottom line, if you can’t afford it, you’re yaying just because the name of a cool car from the 1990s is coming back.

But it’s just the name, not spirit.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m a big fan of the 8 Series. But, much like the Shelby Cobra and the DeTomaso Pantera, it’s a car from another era and needs to stay there. Otherwise, we’ll end up with yet another modern Maserati Ghibli, which has nothing in common with the outstanding grand tourer from the late 1960s. But isn’t it a bit too early to bash a car that won’t be here until 2018? Nope. It’s never too early to be a hater. And, let’s not forget we’re talking about BMW here. Keep reading to see what I mean.

Continue reading for the full story.

The New 8 Series Might as Well Be a Truck

Whoa, what did I just say? I can already smell the tar. And, unless Foghorn Leghorn is being chased by that goofy dog around my house, I think I see some feathers too. Well, say (or do) what you want, but all modern Bimmers are heavy as hell, and the company’s promise to deliver lightweight performance is just PR talk. I’m fully aware that the 8 Series is supposed to be heavy anyway, but the point is it won’t do much to improve the standard performance you get in this niche. If you’re too young to remember the first 8 Series, you probably don’t know that it was often compared to the Porsche 928.

1989 - 1999 BMW 8-series
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It was no slouch, and it was one of the best grand tourers on the market

It was no slouch, and it was one of the best grand tourers on the market. Taking that kind of performance into the future means making more than just a two-door 7 Series. And, although it will get its own design language with all sorts of aggressive features, it won’t get a unique platform. Why? Because it’s too expensive to develop, and it doesn’t make sense financially when BMW already has new underpinnings for the BMW 7 Series.

That’s how the cookie crumbles nowadays, and that’s why we can’t have nice things anymore.

And, despite BMW’s claims of dynamics and performance, the 8 Series will be just a glorified 6 Series. It will be fancier, but larger and heavier. It will probably be more powerful too, but with all that extra weight, it won’t make much of a difference.

2019 BMW 8 Series
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The new 8 Series simply can't deliver the excitement of the first-generation coupe

Now, I’m not saying a new 8 Series is a bad idea. The S-Class Coupe needs a solid competitor, and BMW has to cling to something in order to get back on the horse. All I’m saying is that the new 8 Series simply can’t deliver the excitement of the first-generation coupe. It will lack everything the original 8 Series had simply because we’re living in a different era with different standards and priorities. These standards and priorities suck big time, but that’s what the people want. And, this is where big money is made.

Can you see the vicious circle?

2019 BMW 8 Series High Resolution Exterior Exclusive Renderings Computer Renderings and Photoshop
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Read our full review on the upcoming BMW 8 Series here.

Hey, I’m Pops, and these people here said I need to have a bio next to a picture like everyone else. I don’t like it one bit but heck, here I am. You’re probably wondering what my real name is, huh? Well it doesn’t matter and you shouldn’t care. People call me Pops and it’s been like that for a very long time. Heck, I think I’ve been the pops of the group since I was in my early 20s. Something to do with the fact that I rant a lot and I hate pretty much everything. "Hey look, here comes Pops to bitch some more," they used to say. They used to, get my drift? What a bunch of assholes! I never bitch, I have opinions. Sure, I kind of like hearing myself talk but hey, if you don’t like it, you know where the door is. I hate it when people don’t like what I have to say but still stick around.

Pops' Rants: Cadillac Sucks, Ferrari Is a Hypocrite, Civic Si Gets Turbo for Nothing
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Which brings me to why I’m here. You know what else I don’t like? This silly thing they now call an automotive industry. One of man’s greatest achievements has been pussified so every blockhead can drive a car while using smartphone apps, verifying his tire pressure, calling his wife, and checking whether his dog pooped on the neighbors lawn. Instrument panels have lights for every little thing that goes wrong under the hood and sends you to the dealer to change the oil. Change the oil yourself you lazy prick! Back in my day I did that in the garage, getting all sweaty and greasy. No car told me what to do and where to go. Buttons, swipes, screens, voice activation, I’m just sick of them. Wasting time and money on silly things instead of simply enjoying driving. I still do that you know. In my 1970 Plymouth Roadrunner. But not you. No, you’re too busy getting the latest apps. Ah screw it, you’re not gonna get it anyway. And I’m tired of this bio thing...

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