Man Comes Up With Worst Excuse Ever After Crashing Mustang
Just another Mustang owner doing what comes naturallyby Robert Moore, on
I feel sorry for all of you responsible Mustang owners out there; I really do. Some of you actually know how to drive a rear-wheel-drive Ford, but the very car you love has been forever tainted by the absurd number of idiots that keep crashing the damn things. Year after year, Mustangs die at the hands of drivers with no skill and even less intelligence, usually after a Cars & Coffee meet, but this most recent crash really takes the cake. Not because of when or where it happened, but because of the excuse the 24-year-old driver of the black Mustang you see above came up with. What was that excuse? Well, he supposedly swerved to avoid a squirrel, resulting in a pretty dramatic crash that tore up not only the Mustang but the minivan that he hit as well.
The accident happened on April 15, just before noon in West Shore, Pennsylvania near the 1,000 block of West Foxcroft Drive and Wormleysburg Borough. According to the small report released by the West Shore Regional Police Department, witnesses claimed the driver was traveling at high speed prior to the crash, which is easily noticeable given the damage to both vehicles involved. Apparently, nobody was hurt, and the van that was struck was unoccupied at the time of the crash. The driver was cited for “Driving Vehicle at Safe Speed” which is likely a typo in the report, and was likely written up as “Driving at an Unsafe Speed.” For now, the offending squirrel remains at large and is likely hunting his next victim at this very moment.
Update: Exclusive interview with Cranky the Squirrel shines some light on last weekend’s big Mustang accident. Keep reading to hear his side of the story.
Keep reading for the rest of the story
Now, I love to rag on Mustang drivers, just because so many of them simply don’t know how to drive. But, this has to be one of the worst excuses I’ve ever heard. A freaking squirrel? Really? Come on buddy; you can surely come up with a better excuse than that. Hell, you didn’t even really have a reason to be showboating, did you? I guess Mustang drivers in West Shore, PA better be on the lookout for dangerous wildlife – Cranky, the Mustang-hating squirrel, is still out there just waiting for you. Maybe old Cranky hates Mustangs or is taking out revenge for the mustang-infused death of a family member. Better yet, maybe he’s focused on the better good – saving innocent bystanders from inevitable doom anytime a group of cars congregates in front of a coffee shop. Either way, you can rest assured that he’s out there sitting on a low-hanging tree branch just waiting for you to power around that corner.
As a side note, I want to point out that I don’t necessarily hate Mustangs or their drivers, just the ones that prove to be retarded enough to take the helm of a heat-seeking, road demon with an unquenchable thirst for running down bystanders. Those of you who do know how to handle your ponies, my hat is off to you – keep doing what you do – but please don’t let your kids borrow your Mustang… there are lives at stake here, okay?
We took the time to reach out to the local wildlife in West Shore PA, and managed to get in contact – after paying off a few less-than-enthused informants – with Cranky the Squirrel. As it turns out, the whole thing was completely premeditated and has been in the works for the better part of two years, shortly after Cranky’s entire family, including his four children, wife, and mistress, were all murdered by an unruly Mustang driver. Surprisingly, the Mustang didn’t crash but did manage to kill off Cranky’s entire family in one unexpected powerslide around a normally quiet and happy corner. Cranky, was devastated and teetered on the brink of suicide for months until his best friend and mentor, Rocky the Flying Squirrel, convinced him to take revenge over taking his own life.
“I really didn’t want to live anymore. In a matter of seconds, my whole family was flattened and left for dead in the middle of the road. For days, passing traffic continued to mutilate them until a street sweeper came and pushed them into a nearby sewer, never to be seen again. I didn’t even have the chance to give them a proper burial. So, after a binge of heavy drinking, lots of cocaine, and at two attempts at suicide, Rocky and I came up with a plan to get revenge on every Mustang owner out there.”
Cranky wouldn’t go into details of how the accident really went down but said it took them months to get everything set in stone, and even longer to pinpoint the first victim of his rage-fueled revenge. He did go on to say that he had bene posted up in a tree for three days without food or water, just waiting for the next Mustang to pass by. On April 15, Cranky got what he wished for and, while the driver of the Mustang was uninjured, Cranky is satisfied that there is one less Mustang on the street. Cranky was too broken up and upset to say much more, other than saying that there is another plan in the works. But, he did want us to pass off a message to all of you:
“I’m not done yet, and all Mustang owners will pay.”
Cranky left our office in a dramatic showcase of speed as he tore up everything he could on his way out. Chances are we’ll never see him again, but for what it’s worth, our condolences go out to Cranky and his family. In the meantime, all of you Mustang owners in the area better watch out…