Darn it, the Chevy SS is no more!

Have you noticed how today’s automotive strategy is built around gibberish? I swear cars are more about PR talk than anything else. Take Cadillac, for instance, which spent recent years blabbing about how it will get back on the horse in the luxury market with new vehicles with better everything. Well, it’s 2017 and Cadillac still sucks. It sucks so bad that the XT5 crossover outsells the company’s entire sedan lineup. In march, it sold 5,280 XT5 crossovers compared to 4,701 ATS, CTS, XTS, and CT6 sedans combined.

Yeah, I know, crossovers are a big deal now. But you know what? The XT5 isn’t much of a Cadillac. It’s just a bigger hatchback Chevrolet thingy with fancier styling and extra features inside. The CT6 is a true Cadillac, but 1,000 units a month ain’t gonna cut the mustard. But hey, 1,000 CT6s sold in the U.S. in one month is definitely better than sales of 761 examples in Europe in 2016. Even Lamborghini sold more cars on the old continent. A better chance of running into a Lambo then a Cadillac in Europe, now that’s how you know you have a problem buddy!

Another thing that grinds my gears these days is the hypocrisy surrounding Ferrari. Just a few days ago Sergio Marchionne said an all-electric Ferrari may become reality in the future, with the brand looking to join the Formula E series. This comes from the same man that labeled the Ferrari EV as an "obscene concept" a while back. He also said "you’d have to shoot me first" before such a supercar would be developed. Well, he just pointed a shotgun at himself. It goes to show that you can no longer trust company executives these days. And what’s the deal with banning the pink color from the lineup? It’s not fitting for your "whole ethos" you say? What does that even mean? Are you talking about the same ethos that sold Ferraris to Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton? In that case, pink would definitely hurt the ethos. And a few butts...

Speaking of which, what’s the deal with the new Civic Si? Is this thing supposed to fill the gap between the regular model and the Type R? Sounds like a fine idea, but this isn’t something you can do with 205 horsepower. Especially when the Type R has 306 horses. The really annoying thing is that the new engine is only as powerful as the one in the previous Si. And we’re talking about a turbocharger here. Yeah, so the new Civic is lighter and performance is better, but come on Honda, give people that can’t afford the Type R something to work with. It’s like the executives voted to frustrate Civic Si owners with just a mild improvement on a car that’s significantly better chassis- and tech-wise. For the first Si to use turbocharging, this car is a big disappointment. I don’t know about you, but I’m fed up with this strategy of keeping things tempered. A 250-horsepower Si wouldn’t kill the Type R, but it would make customers happier and render the Golf GTi and Fiesta ST useless.

If I wouldn’t be so lazy in the morning I’d definitely accept heading Honda’s market strategy department.

You know what else seems cool but we won’t get to enjoy it to its full potential? Lynk & Co.’s new concept sedan. Lynk & Co. is a Chinese brand own by Geely, the same firm that acquired Volvo a few years ago, and it’s about to unveil this crazy four-door. When it comes to Chinese products I’d rather stick to Zhajiangmian (Google it!), but this concept sedan is one I’d very much like to drive. Just look at it! It’s got so much muscle, suicide doors all around, and a sporty silhouette. And it’s all built around Volvo’s latest architecture. But you know what? I won’t get to drive this thing and neither will you. Because concept cars either remain concepts or go into production looking like crap. And like Trump likes to say, you can’t trust the Chinese anyway!

Finally, the healthy discounts that Chevy is offering for the SS nowadays remind me that the sedan has been discontinued and there won’t be a successor since the Holden Commodore it is based on is dead. Well screw you Chevrolet! You finally had THE performance sedan and you just screwed things up. "But, but Holden is no longer building cars in Australia," you might say. Shut up, that’s a lame excuse! There’s plenty of ways to develop one here in the States, but no, GM would rather do a Corvette SUV instead. And don’t get me started on the new front-wheel drive Commodore... It’s a good thing Dodge keeps milking the Challenger and Charger to deliver no-nonsense muscle cars.

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Hey, I’m Pops, and these people here said I need to have a bio next to a picture like everyone else. I don’t like it one bit but heck, here I am. You’re probably wondering what my real name is, huh? Well it doesn’t matter and you shouldn’t care. People call me Pops and it’s been like that for a very long time. Heck, I think I’ve been the pops of the group since I was in my early 20s. Something to do with the fact that I rant a lot and I hate pretty much everything. "Hey look, here comes Pops to bitch some more," they used to say. They used to, get my drift? What a bunch of assholes! I never bitch, I have opinions. Sure, I kind of like hearing myself talk but hey, if you don’t like it, you know where the door is. I hate it when people don’t like what I have to say but still stick around.

Pops' Rants: Cadillac Sucks, Ferrari Is a Hypocrite, Civic Si Gets Turbo for Nothing
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Which brings me to why I’m here. You know what else I don’t like? This silly thing they now call an automotive industry. One of man’s greatest achievements has been pussified so every blockhead can drive a car while using smartphone apps, verifying his tire pressure, calling his wife, and checking whether his dog pooped on the neighbors lawn. Instrument panels have lights for every little thing that goes wrong under the hood and sends you to the dealer to change the oil. Change the oil yourself you lazy prick! Back in my day I did that in the garage, getting all sweaty and greasy. No car told me what to do and where to go. Buttons, swipes, screens, voice activation, I’m just sick of them. Wasting time and money on silly things instead of simply enjoying driving. I still do that you know. In my 1970 Plymouth Roadrunner. But not you. No, you’re too busy getting the latest apps. Ah screw it, you’re not gonna get it anyway. And I’m tired of this bio thing...

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