I’m sick of automakers misusing the "brand-new" label

Man, this has been a rough week. Automotive-wise. The Los Angeles Auto Show sucked on so many levels. I haven’t seen so many crossovers in one place since the Soccer Mom Annual Meeting. Oh wait, that doesn’t sound right. Give me a minute here... Since the... uhm... wait, I got it... since the... Ah, screw it, I’m not in a mood for jokes. It just sucks! Then there’s the Urus, which isn’t a real Lamborghini and everyone gets excited as if they just launched the second-generation Miura. Do millennials even know what a Miura is? But the worst thing about this year’s L.A. show is that some automakers were set to remind me that press releases have more bullshit than a dairy farm.

Stop calling mild facelifts "brand-new," you half-baked hippies! You’re not fooling anyone.

Yeah, they’re at it again. Especially Lincoln and BMW. The American brand, which is struggling to stay afloat these days, just launched a mid-cycle facelift for the MKC with a new front grille. That’s it, a new grille! And they call it "new" with a "commanding new design." Hello?! It’s a new grille, not a new car. Now repeat after me: a new grille doesn’t make the entire car new. But wait, there’s more. Lincoln also introduced the Nautilus, a brand-new SUV according to the company’s PR division. Except it’s not new. It’s the MKX with a new grille and a new name. Hey, I like the fact that you’re using actual names now Lincoln, but it’s not a brand-new car! I can’t change my name and pretend I’m a new person. Okay, I can actually do that, but I may be spending my final years in a nuthouse. And trust me, the nuthouse isn’t good for business; there’s no room for a car production line in there.

But Lincoln isn’t the only company pretending customers are stupid. BMW also called the facelifted i8 new. Sure, the Roadster version is new indeed, but the coupe is identical to the car launched in 2014, save for the wheels, mildly revised headlamps and taillights, and the 12 extra horsepower. This is the most pathetic facelift I’ve seen in years. It’s not a new car, just a BRAND-NEW way to be lazy and pathetic! Go home BMW; you’re drunk!


Lincoln MKC

2019 Lincoln MKC Exterior Wallpaper quality
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More premium look

Read our full review on the 2019 Lincoln MKC.

Lincoln Nautilus

2019 Lincoln Nautilus Exterior
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Revised front bumper

Read more about the 2019 Lincoln Nautilus.

BMW i8

BMW Debuts “New” i8 Coupe and the First i8 Roadster Exterior Wallpaper quality
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Weighs just 3,381 pounds

Read our full review on the 2019 BMW i8.

2018 BMW i8 Roadster Exterior Wallpaper quality
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Read our full review on the 2019 BMW i8 Roadster.

Pops' Rants: Cadillac Sucks, Ferrari Is a Hypocrite, Civic Si Gets Turbo for Nothing
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Read more Pops’ Rants news.

Hey, I’m Pops, and these people here said I need to have a bio next to a picture like everyone else. I don’t like it one bit but heck, here I am. You’re probably wondering what my real name is, huh? Well it doesn’t matter and you shouldn’t care. People call me Pops and it’s been like that for a very long time. Heck, I think I’ve been the pops of the group since I was in my early 20s. Something to do with the fact that I rant a lot and I hate pretty much everything. "Hey look, here comes Pops to bitch some more," they used to say. They used to, get my drift? What a bunch of assholes! I never bitch, I have opinions. Sure, I kind of like hearing myself talk but hey, if you don’t like it, you know where the door is. I hate it when people don’t like what I have to say but still stick around.

Pops' Rants: Cadillac Sucks, Ferrari Is a Hypocrite, Civic Si Gets Turbo for Nothing
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Which brings me to why I’m here. You know what else I don’t like? This silly thing they now call an automotive industry. One of man’s greatest achievements has been pussified so every blockhead can drive a car while using smartphone apps, verifying his tire pressure, calling his wife, and checking whether his dog pooped on the neighbors lawn. Instrument panels have lights for every little thing that goes wrong under the hood and sends you to the dealer to change the oil. Change the oil yourself you lazy prick! Back in my day I did that in the garage, getting all sweaty and greasy. No car told me what to do and where to go. Buttons, swipes, screens, voice activation, I’m just sick of them. Wasting time and money on silly things instead of simply enjoying driving. I still do that you know. In my 1970 Plymouth Roadrunner. But not you. No, you’re too busy getting the latest apps. Ah screw it, you’re not gonna get it anyway. And I’m tired of this bio thing...

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