Skoda Yeti who?

Last week I wrote a big rant about how the BMW M5 with the Competition Package is an abomination. I take that back. The new Rolls-Royce Cullinan is the supreme abomination. A luxurious, boxy abomination on wheels. And the perfect example of how to be lazy in the design process. Okay, I’m not taking that back actually, I still think that the M5 Competition Package is a useless piece of junk, and you should buy a proper sports car instead, but the Cullinan is my all-time favorite automotive abomination. Until Boeing builds an airplane-shaped SUV that is!

Pops' Rants: The Abominable Snowman Is Real! It's Called the Rolls-Royce Cullinan Exterior
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It reminds me of several SUVs from the 1980s, and I'm a big fan of haulers like the Jeep Grand Wagoneer

So what makes the Cullinan the abominable snowman of the auto industry? Well, in case you can’t spot the obvious, it’s a freaking Phantom wagon on stilts. And the Phantom VIII, although fairly new, is almost identical to its predecessor, which was launched in 2003. You can argue all you want, but the Cullinan is actually a 15-year-old design. And it’s ugly too!

Okay, there’s one thing I actually like about it: the boxy design. It reminds me of several SUVs from the 1980s, and I’m a big fan of haulers like the Jeep Grand Wagoneer. However, the boxy design doesn’t work all that well with all those rectangular design elements. This thing has no aerodynamics. It looks as if it will disintegrate at speeds of 90 mph. And, that awfully tall cabin. Sheesh, this thing is a school bus. And I’ll be damned if I pay Ferrari money for a fancy school bus!

Pops' Rants: The Abominable Snowman Is Real! It's Called the Rolls-Royce Cullinan Exterior
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But the exterior design isn't the most annoying part of the Cullinan.

But the exterior design isn’t the most annoying part of the Cullinan. It’s the fact that Rolls-Royce is trying to sell it with the "Effortless, Everywhere" catchphrase. Rolls-Royce is acting like it’s trying to convince people to buy the Cullinan to get all the features in the Phantom but with off-road capability, when no one will actually buy this SUV to take it off-roading. The Cullinan won’t see off-road action in customer hands. It might climb a few rocks with auto journalists behind the wheel, but it will spend its life in shopping mall parking lots, on Dubai’s fancy streets, and heated garages. Yey for luxury!

Another thing that grinds my gears is Rolls-Royce’s silly efforts to reinvent concepts that already exists. Like calling the tailgate a "Clasp" as a reference to the era when drivers put luggage on the outside of the car. Come on man; it’s something that happened almost 100 years ago when cars had big wooden chests at the rear. It’s a dated feature, get over it. No one wants a trunk outside the bodywork nowadays. I know old Rolls-Royce cars are cool and all, but it’s the 21st century, and it’s highly recommended that we look into the future, not the past.

Pops' Rants: The Abominable Snowman Is Real! It's Called the Rolls-Royce Cullinan Exterior
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So, basically, Rolls-Royce wants to save passengers from traveling with their luggage inside the car.

Then there’s the company’s claim that the Cullinan is "the first three-box car in the SUV-sector." What makes it a three-box design? A glass wall that can be added between the rear seats and the trunk section. Here’s what Rolls-Royce has to say about it: "inspired by the age when one never traveled with one’s luggage, a glass partition isolates the passenger cabin from the luggage compartment, creating an inner ecosystem for the occupants." Inner ecosystem? When did we move to the International Space Station? How long have I been asleep?

So, basically, Rolls-Royce wants to save passengers from traveling with their luggage inside the car. I’m guessing that people who haul a lot of dirty underwear and rotten fish will be happy to hear it. Additionally, the Brits claim that the glass wall reduces noise inside and keeps the cabin sealed in hot and cold environments. Does this mean that all the other Rolls-Royce models have noisy interiors? Well, what about all those press releases claiming best-in-class insulation?

Another day, another carrot. And another PR stunt that has nothing to say. Man, this thing is ugly...

References

Pops' Rants: The Abominable Snowman Is Real! It's Called the Rolls-Royce Cullinan Exterior Interior
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Read our full speculative review on the 2019 Rolls-Royce Cullinan.

2018 Rolls-Royce Phantom VIII High Resolution Exterior
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Read our full review on the 2018 Rolls-Royce Phantom.

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Read more Rolls Royce news.

Pops' Rants: Cadillac Sucks, Ferrari Is a Hypocrite, Civic Si Gets Turbo for Nothing
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