I’m going to hell for this!

Hey folks, did you miss me? Yeah, it’s me, Pops! What? Did you think I only write on Fridays? Although I hate early Tuesdays, I had to get out of my lazy routine over this fracas about Jeremy Clarkson being in the hospital with severe pneumonia. Don’t get me wrong, I think that being sick is awful, but we pay way too much attention to an old man that gets by making dreadful jokes about cars and insulting just about everyone with the sole purpose of getting a bigger audience.

Although I’m a sucker for a good show with solid punchlines and great humor, I’ve never been a fan of Top Gear. And obviously, I’m not a fan of The Grand Tour. And, Clarkson is too blame for this. Yeah, I know, it’s a show that doesn’t take car reviews very seriously and making fun of everything is a big part of the plot, but I just feel as if they’re producing for an audience that’s 16 years old on average. Tops! But I digress. I’m writing this because Clarkson made a joke about how James May is the only "functioning member" of the Grand Tour team (Richard Hammond had a serious car crash in June) and added the caption "God help us." Keep reading to learn why.

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Captain Slow, the Way to Go!

I know Clarkson is joking and trying to get a few hundred thousands of Instagram likes, but it just got me thinking that the Grand Tour would be better off without him.

I’m not an idiot, I know Clarkson is joking and trying to get a few hundred thousands of Instagram likes, but it just got me thinking that the Grand Tour would be better off without him. Just think about it. No more racist jokes, no more jokes about truck drivers murdering prostitutes, no more homophobic punchlines, and no more rocks thrown toward show staff. Okay, the part with the rocks is indeed funny and not having those moments would make the show less entertaining, but even I know that old people need to get rid of their antiquated view of the world.

Granted, it’s part of what makes Clarkson unique, but a show without him could be a bit more entertaining. And fresh. It could definitely be fresh! Captain Slow is an awesome fellow, and I bet he has the ability to run a better show by himself. Or together with Richard Hammond, given that he plans to stop rolling over in fast cars. May has always been able to criticize a product without making childish jokes and is the kind of guy that gives an affordable car credit when needed. Clarkson can’t. And yes, I can’t stand Jeremy’s infinite praise for certain British and German marques. They all make duds, and ten good apples in a box of 12 doesn’t make a box of good apples.

It doesn't have to be boringly serious with way too much tech talk, but the world really lacks a solid car show with a wide audience.

And I also think that May, by himself, or with a different team, could steer a show toward a more serious path. It doesn’t have to be boringly serious with way too much tech talk, but the world really lacks a solid car show with a wide audience. I mean, I get my daily dose of automotive humor from YouTube any day of the week, I’d very much like to watch 60 minutes of pure automotive awesomeness that isn’t based around jokes I used to make in my teen years.

And to end this on a very Clarksonesque note, have you seen his teeth? Now that’s something to laugh about instead of someone’s race or sexual identity.

References

Jeremy Clarkson Hospitalized With Pneumonia, Continues To Make Fun Of Co-Hosts
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Jeremy Clarkson Hospitalized With Pneumonia, Continues To Make Fun Of Co-Hosts

Hey, I’m Pops, and these people here said I need to have a bio next to a picture like everyone else. I don’t like it one bit but heck, here I am. You’re probably wondering what my real name is, huh? Well it doesn’t matter and you shouldn’t care. People call me Pops and it’s been like that for a very long time. Heck, I think I’ve been the pops of the group since I was in my early 20s. Something to do with the fact that I rant a lot and I hate pretty much everything. "Hey look, here comes Pops to bitch some more," they used to say. They used to, get my drift? What a bunch of assholes! I never bitch, I have opinions. Sure, I kind of like hearing myself talk but hey, if you don’t like it, you know where the door is. I hate it when people don’t like what I have to say but still stick around.

Pops' Rants: Cadillac Sucks, Ferrari Is a Hypocrite, Civic Si Gets Turbo for Nothing
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Which brings me to why I’m here. You know what else I don’t like? This silly thing they now call an automotive industry. One of man’s greatest achievements has been pussified so every blockhead can drive a car while using smartphone apps, verifying his tire pressure, calling his wife, and checking whether his dog pooped on the neighbors lawn. Instrument panels have lights for every little thing that goes wrong under the hood and sends you to the dealer to change the oil. Change the oil yourself you lazy prick! Back in my day I did that in the garage, getting all sweaty and greasy. No car told me what to do and where to go. Buttons, swipes, screens, voice activation, I’m just sick of them. Wasting time and money on silly things instead of simply enjoying driving. I still do that you know. In my 1970 Plymouth Roadrunner. But not you. No, you’re too busy getting the latest apps. Ah screw it, you’re not gonna get it anyway. And I’m tired of this bio thing...

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