Santa’s new ride matches his new shredded bod

By his own admission, the start of 2018 wasn’t a good time for Santa Claus. He had just finished his 2017 holiday delivery schedule and found himself more exhausted than he usually was. His back was screaming, his knees hurt, and he was, in his own words, growing a “bowl of jelly” in his stomach. Six months passed and Santa was still stuck in a rut. He knew he needed to work out. He just wasn’t inspired to do it. Then, in one fateful night in June, Santa visited his favorite auto website — we think it’s Topspeed — and saw the Dodge Challenger SRT Hellcat Redeye. The very next day, Santa called up his local Dodge dealer in the North Pole and asked to test drive the 797-horsepower monster.

We jump to the present day, and Santa’s a completely different man. His “bowl of jelly” is gone, replaced by muscles that sat on top of muscles. He credits his physical makeover to the test-drive he had back in June, saying that it transformed his outlook in life. That same test drive also inspired him to transform his old ride to match his new “shredded bod.” And so, the Dodge Redeye Express was born.

Exterior

2018 Dodge Redeye Express
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The Redeye Express is unlike any ride Santa Claus has ever had. It’s based on the Dodge Challenger SRT Hellcat Redeye, and, for the most part, it still looks like a Challenger SRT Hellcat Redeye. The same front section remains, and the long body is also intact. But that’s where the similarities end.

The Redeye Express is a completely different machine, in part because Santa’s elves got rid of a number of body panels and equipment that they deemed unimportant to their big boss.

The 20-inch wheels are the most obvious omission in the Redeye Express. Tinsel Toes and company got rid of all four wheels, replacing them with a pair of sleighs. The modification didn’t come easily — there was an incident with a grease gun while the elves were working on the front-axle disconnect — but the elves got through it. Once the sleigh was fully installed, work started on the chopping off the muscle car’s roof and eliminating the two doors.

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That, sources say, was a request from Mrs. Claus, who wanted to feel the cool winter breeze during the 2018 holiday delivery season. Speaking of Mrs. Claus, she also insisted on installing a wide-body package on the Redeye Express. So the elves went to work on that aspect of the sleigh, too. The result? 3.5 inches of added width, just like the SRT Hellcat.

The car’s windshield was cut, too, though that was explained as an accident because the elves believed that they could have a go on the Redeye Express, as well.

Other modifications were made to the muscle sleigh, including the addition of a power bulge aluminum hood with heat extractors and the relocation of the Challenger SRT Hellcat Redeye’s exhaust system from the back to the front-side area.

Interior

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The interior of the Redeye Express had far less conspicuous upgrades than the exterior. It is believed that Mrs. Claus wanted to keep everything in stock, with the only two exceptions being heated seats and a new state-of-the-art navigation system. She wanted those installed under any circumstances. So the elves did as they were told, though there were rumors that some elves were grumbling about the wages they were getting, including the lack of a 401K. Outside of the heated seats, the other notable upgrade is the Holiday GPS 2019, a revolutionary navigation system that allows Santa to pinpoint the exact houses where the Redeye Express will visit in the holiday season. The technology behind the Holiday GPS 2019 is said to be so state-of-the-art that even NASA hasn’t thought of it yet.

Drivetrain

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The Redeye Express’s drivetrain is subject to a lot of speculation. It’s been established that the super sleigh is powered by a 6.2-liter supercharged V-8 engine that produces 795 horsepower and 707 pound-feet of torque. The numbers are eye-popping by themselves, but it doesn’t fully capture the sheer ferocity of the whole engine.

That’s because, in addition to the engine itself, the Redeye Express is also equipped with a 2.7-liter supercharger and has a boost of up to 14.5 psi, a higher redline that reaches 6,500 rpm), and dual-stage fuel pumps.

The super sleigh is also equipped with a new dual-snorkel hood, an Air Catcher headlamp on the driver’s side of the fascia, six-piston Brembo front brakes, and, upon the insistence of Santa himself, a performance tune dual exhaust that left more than a few elves in the shop with shattered eardrums.

The Redeye Express is as potent a sleigh as Santa has had. But it also has a few performance secrets, none more important than a breakthrough propulsion system that allows it to fly at night at speeds of almost 5,000 miles an hour. It’s actually 4,674 miles an hour based on the spec sheets we received from the elves. Yes, the Redeye Express is almost twice as fast as a commercial airliner. The big question, though, is what technology is powering this propulsion system. The elves have remained tight-lipped on the matter under the instruction of Santa. Apparently, he thinks that if word got out about this new propulsion system, all the automakers in the world would eschew electrification and jump straight into developing this technology, disrupting the entire industry.

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There have been rumors, though, a lot of them have yet to be verified.

Some have speculated that the Redeye Express’ propulsion system is powered by jars — yes, jars — of Twinkle Toe’s fairy dust.

Others believe that Santa concocts a mysterious juice called “Secret Stuff” in the vein of the one used in Space Jam. The most persistent rumor, though, has something to do with the reindeers. Since being demoted to the mailroom, the reindeers have had far too much free time on their hands. Instead of working tirelessly in their new jobs, they’ve been seen in a number of North Pole taverns, binge-eating their way to obesity. But rumor has it that before those marathon buffet runs, the reindeers started developing a natural fertilizer that was later discovered to be potent enough to power the propulsion system. It’s hard to believe it, sure, but if you’re looking for the source of power of the Redeye Express’ propulsion system, look no further than reindeer excrements.

Final Thoughts

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I’d like to believe that there’s a world where the Redeye Express is a real thing. It’s not in this world, that’s for sure. But I can dream, right? Imagine if this thing was actually real. It would be the greatest invention in the history of mankind. Ok, that’s probably stretching it a little too far, but everything about the Redeye Express speaks to our childhood fantasies of Santa Claus and flying vehicles. Put those two together and you’re talking about a lot of dreams coming true for a lot of people. It’s a pity that we’re never going to see it, though. It would’ve been a blast watching Santa blasting along in the skies with a sleigh that fittingly calls itself “Redeye.”

Further reading

Dodge Challenger SRT Hellcat Redeye Is Now The Most Powerful Muscle Car In Production Exterior
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Read our full review on the 2019 Dodge Challenger SRT Hellcat Redeye.

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